Hello?

No one likes waiting for someone they like to text back. It's annoying, and if you're anything like me, will make you overthink things to the point of creating 18 different, elaborately unrealistic scenarios as to why he/she isn't responding. But nothing is worse than waiting for a response that will never come.

Ghosting is usually the result of someone getting bored, moving on, or in some cases, just being a dick, and deciding that complete silence is better than an explanation. The fact that we even have a name for this phenomenon is sad because it goes to show how frequently this happens.

As I was trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to say about this topic, I asked my little sister what she thought about ghosting, and she immediately replied, "oh, I've done it before." .... To put things into perspective, my sister's fifteen. Who the hell does she even have to ghost as a FRESHMAN in HIGH SCHOOL. When I asked her to explain, she gave me an incredibly detailed set of instructions about how to properly ghost someone:

1. Ease your way into it. You can't make it too obvious at first. Just start taking a little bit longer to reply each time until they've gotten used to you not being that responsive.

2. If they ask you to do something, just say you have the flu or have to hangout with your family. They won't know you're avoiding them really, it just kind of sets them up for what's coming.

3. Eventually stop responding all together. If they ask you what's wrong/if you're mad at them, you can deny it and make up some excuse, like homework or something, but honestly it's easier to just keep ignoring them.

4. After a while, they'll take the hint, and you won't have to worry about it anymore!

These are actually direct quotes from her. This whole time I'm sitting here thinking 'wow, that's a really shitty thing for someone to do,' and my little sister is talking to me about it like it's part of her weekly routine. Now I can't sit here and act like I'm some saint, because I've definitely let conversations fade or taken awhile to respond, but to completely ignore someone's messages seems a little harsh.

My next question for my clearly devious little sister was why she felt the need to ghost some guy instead of just telling him she wasn't interested. I mean think about it: if you follow her steps, doesn't it seem like it takes more time and effort to avoid someone than it would to just be upfront with him? Her rationale was that ghosting someone frees you of culpability: "how can a person hate you if you've technically done nothing?" She went on, "it's just less conflict. You don't have to deal with actively hurting someone's feelings." This is where I'm lost. I can kind of understand ghosting people just because you don't feel like dealing with them, but if you're actually concerned about how they feel, why do it in the first place? Doesn't that seem kind of hypocritical?

Well, if you're like my sister, then probably not. Ghosting is essentially the back door out of any relationship that you have access to at all times. I definitely get why it sounds appealing to the ghoster, but what if you're the one being ghosted? How are you supposed to deal with someone who's completely disappeared?

You could be petty like me and block their number (thinking you're the reason you're not getting messages from someone feels way better than knowing they're ignoring you), you could ignore them, or you could call them out. From conversations I've had with friends, it seems like 90% of the time a person ghosts someone else is because he/she doesn't want to acknowledge that they've hurt someone/they don't want to deal with conflict. This is your golden opportunity. Confront them with the exact thing they've been avoiding: responsibility.

Take it from someone who's dealt with a lot of failed relationships; you can only be treated like shit if you let it happen. I asked my sister what she would've done if the guy had called her out instead of just letting it happen, and she admitted, "well that would've been awkward to deal with, but I guess I would've respected him for it and actually felt badly about it."

Being honest and direct about how you're feeling can apply to the ghoster, too. Sometimes hurting people is inevitable, but as uncomfortable as it is to deal with, it's something you should know how to face. Stop wasting time trying to deceive people; they're going to end up being upset if you ignore them anyway, so you might as well be upfront about how you feel.

Not to sound like my parents, but I think we use technology so much that we forget about the face behind the screen. It's so easy to say something (or in this case, say nothing at all) and ignore how it affects someone else because we never have to actually see the repercussions of our actions. But just because we can't see someone's reaction doesn't make it any less real. So I guess what I'm trying to say is just speak up and stop avoiding the issue, whatever that issue may be; I guarantee you can accomplish way more with words than you can with silence.

#ghosting #silence #noresponse #ignore