Ru up?

If this text looks unfamiliar to you, consider yourself one of a select few. I'm not kidding - I've asked all of my friends, both at Michigan and elsewhere, if they've ever gotten and/or sent a text like this, and every single one of them said yes.

For anyone that doesn't know, this seemingly inconspicuous 4-letter message is a bootycall, and has basically become the cornerstone of college relationships. The number of times I've received a text like this is almost comical, but what's even funnier is how I respond to it. Last year I was sort of seeing this guy -- read this to understand why I struggle to label it -- and a couple weeks into the relationship -- if I can even call it that -- I got this text after a night out at the bar. I agreed to go over, despite the fact that I was already in bed, but told him I wanted to "finish the movie with my friends first." Full disclosure: there was no movie. Even though he knew I had stayed in, I needed to buy some time because there was no chance I was going over in my actual pajamas.

I spent the next 20 minutes fussing over the perfect messy bun, putting on mascara and perfume, and changing into leggings and an oversized sweatshirt: I had mastered the art of looking perfectly un-put-together. Trust me, I get how crazy this sounds. I can't help but to laugh as I'm writing this because it sounds even more ridiculous in print than it does in my head, but weirdly enough, I'm not the first girl to do this.

Why do we feel the need to look like we put in no effort when in reality we go out of our way to look perfect? I asked my friends about this, and the best conclusion we could come to is that it's all about the appearance of not caring. There seems to be this commonly understood belief that if you "don't care" -- I use this term lightly -- you somehow hold the apprehend in relationships. When did this become the case? I won't go on about 'not caring' too much (again, you can read this to hear my thoughts on the matter), but the more I think about it, the more bizarre the whole concept sounds.

This all got me thinking about the practice of bootycalls in and of itself. Let me be clear, I'm a huge proponent of doing whatever makes you happiest (within reason), so if casual sex is your thing, go for it; there are absolutely no judgements here. My issue lies with the people who want more than that, however, yet settle for partners who only want to see them after midnight when they're drunk. I won't lie, I've been guilty of giving into this in the past; believing that if we hung out enough late at night, eventually it would turn into something more. Lesson learned: this is rarely the case.

I don't want to sound preachy -- 3 years at college has given me some experience, but in no way makes me an expert -- but when you do things more so because you think you should, and less because it's what you really want, it never ends well. I was just as guilty as that boy was; I, too, only ever asked him to hangout late at night, even though I would've also loved to hangout with him at other (more reasonable) hours. Lunch? Study date? Even getting coffee together would've made me happy, but for some reason I never asked because I didn't think that was something people do.

After numerous conversations with friends, I've learned that many of them share my sentiments; while these late night hangouts can be fun, there's a lot more to relationships than sex. Again, I don't want to act like I have some revolutionary sage wisdom -- I guarantee if you ask anyone in a committed relationship they'll tell you the same thing -- but college seems to have made many of us forget how to have real relationships with people. Relationships with substance, not just physical attraction.

Hearing my friends experiences and comparing them with my own made me realize it all comes back to "not caring," or more accurately, the appearance of not caring. When I really think about it, I didn't only text that guy late at night just because I'm used to relationships operating that way; I realize now that a big contributing factor was my belief that, in doing so, I was portraying myself as someone who didn't care. Not only was I able to avoid appearing needy or clingy, but I was also signaling to him that I didn't really care about the substance of the relationship, which was not at all the case. This is probably one of the dumbest things I've ever done, and again, I'm not the first person to do this.

I don't want to presume that all relationships operate this way because I can only base my thoughts off of my friends' and my own experiences, but next time you send or receive the infamous "ru up?" text, think about what's really behind it.

#bootycall