The New Age of Dating

My paternal grandparents met at my grandmother's sweet 16. My grandfather had actually been dating one of her best friends at the time (not very seriously as you can guess), and ended up asking my grandmother out that day instead. Their first date was a group date to the movies, which eventually led to having lunch at local dinners, which eventually led to going to prom, which somehow along the way led to them getting married, and having 4 kids and a dog. They actually just celebrated 60 years together a little over a month ago, which is crazy to think about.

My grandmother used to tell me that my grandfather was the perfect gentleman; always on time, always respectful, and always reminding her how much he cared. Up until the day she died, I witnessed first hand how far my grandfather was willing to go for her. Whether it was surprising her with flowers after work, or helping her get out of bed when she was too weak to do it herself, he was always there, and always demonstrating how much he loved her.

My cousin and I used to cynically joke that we would never have anything like they had, but I'm starting to wonder how much of a "joke" that really is. Obviously every relationship is different, but from my past experiences, things aren't looking so great.

Aziz Ansari wrote a really great piece about how technology has impacted romantic relationships, which I highly recommend reading. The most interesting point he makes, in my opinion, is that with the ubiquity of virtual dating (Harmony, Match.com, Bumble, Tinder, Grindr...the list goes on), we have so many options to choose from, that we never really end up making a choice at all. Basically, his logic is that with all this technology, we're (in theory) able to find our perfect match, so we end up overlooking some really great people because we think they're either not good enough, or we can do even better.

While I'm the first one to say "never settle," I think there's a point where we can go too far. Take my grandparents, for example: if my grandmother had known that she could possibly find someone even better than my grandfather, would she have stuck with him? And even if she found a man who fit all her dream criteria on paper, would he be able to live up to the kind of husband my grandfather was for her?

Aside from this never ending selection, the biggest problem with dating through a screen, in my opinion, is that it limits both the type of connection you can have with someone, while simultaneously lowering your expectations for what showing affection looks like. For example, while my grandmother looked forward to my grandfather driving her home from school, many of us look forward to our crush liking our latest Instagram.

Why do we let ourselves settle for signs of affection that literally require little to no effort on another's part? Doesn't that kind of defeat the whole purpose of showing someone you care about them? Obviously dating will never be what it was when our grandparents were teenagers, and there are many reasons we should be glad for that, but I think there are a few things we could learn from them as well.

If my grandmother taught me anything it was to expect more from people; to stop making excuses because that's "just how things go," and start holding myself and others to a higher standard. Why am I getting hung up on the fact that my crush didn't like my latest profile picture, while ignoring the boy next door who helped carry my groceries in for no reason other than to be nice? Her relationship with my grandfather, especially in her last few months, made me realize that of course I'll never have what they had if I continue to settle for less.

Since coming to college, I've let technology play too great of a role in my relationships with people, especially romantic ones. I've started to follow an unspoken code of conduct in which what I feel through a screen has become almost more important than what I feel in real life. It makes me think about my high school relationship, and how different things were back then. What's funny is my ex actually hated social media; he refused to get an Instagram, rarely ever went on Facebook, and was one of the world's worst texters. Because of this, though, I learned to value the hours I spent with him way more than the amount of times he posted with me online. Even now as I'm trying to think about how/when we interacted on social media, I can't even remember a single instance because all I remember are times that we spent together in person.

So Grandma, if you're somehow following any of this, just know your advice wasn't said in vain. While I may not have found my high school sweetheart, I'm hopeful that going forward I can find someone almost as good.

#dating #change #new